Young Writers Society

*Locked at request of the author.*

anit-pop:

i have edited the first chapter already.

I haven also change the title of my story too. as i edited the chapter, i am change the name too. the new stuff is called Addicting Poison. i hope you check that out and be more pleased.

Hey Mistress!

First off:
This was much more satisfying than the prologue! I'm really interested into what the story has to offer now. However, I am sad to say that there were far too many grammar issues in this piece. Before you post a story on here, the easiest thing to check for is proper punctuation. It was almost painful to read this and constantly see 'i' in lowercase form.
Also, I'm sure you'd be able to read through this and spot quite a few sentences that could be reworded to make more sense. I won't point them out, seeing how many before myself already have.
Real quick, let's take a look at your protagonist, Elizabeth. I have to be honest when I say I'm not quite sure if I like her just yet. She seems to have a rather outgoing, yet sensible disposition, but it seems to me that she's also a bit conceited? Perhaps it could just be her assessing the situation when the boys comment about her appearance, but it seemed to me like she was being a little stuck-up.
I do like that she was hesitant to get on the bike. That shows that she has at least a bit of sense and everyone appreciates that quality, I think.

Overall, I liked the idea. I can't wait for more. However, I highly suggest you take the advice of reviewers. You don't have to change the whole concept of your story, but for simple mistakes like punctuation and spelling, editing is just fine.


*anti-pop

Night Mistress wrote:


()
Chapter One

I stood outside the rotten, iron gate looking into the old, abandoned manor. It had been at least a decade since I had last been to this house. I wanted to see how much my home had changed over the years. i heard that Realtors are having a hard time selling it because what happen fifty- five years ago.I sighed and turned up my ipod in my jacket pocket. I put my hand on the gate and pushed it open.

It didn't hurt when the rust on the gate pricked my finger as I forced the old thing open. I walked though (through) it, into the front yard. My finger brushed over the tall grass. The leathery feel brought back memories of playing in the front yard as a child. This garden used to be beautiful, but now, I thought as I looked around, it’s a jungle. Without meaning to, I kicked up dirt and got it on my shoes as I walked. I strolled up to the door and noticed that it was open.

So, people have been visiting, I thought as I turned down the ipod. I put my foot on the threshold and opened it wider. Even though I had earphones in my ears, my abnormally good hearing heard voices in the house. I removed my earphones and stepped into the threshold.

Everything was filthy with dust. I walked into the entrance hall, and then into the living room. I looked around, memories coming back. A little girl running around, so happy and carefree, then the walls smeared with blood and a scream. I walked around the living room, with a hand on the wall, feeling rough texture under my hand. I smiled to myself, because I’d often when I was growing up in this place. When I touch (touched) a smooth spot, I froze with fear of the past.

A teenage girl seeing her parents’ blood on the wall. She froze on the spot and watched as a man in a black ski mask approaching her with a blood-dripping knife.

No time to mess around, I thought as I dropped my hand like skin to a branding iron. I heard voices and by judging the distance of them, people were in the back yard. I make my way to the back of the house. I stopped at the broken glass back door, before the light reached in. From what I saw, it was three young men who were having a good time and drinking their beers. My violet eyes raked over each of them. Two were black haired, dark brown eyes and were of average height, and were dress very nicely. The other one was golden haired; light eyes, and also wore nice clothes. My eyes raked over their form. Each of them was lean with muscle and their white shirts show their chests off nicely. Their khakis pants showed their long legs.

Down girl(,) I thought as erotic pictures form in my head.

It was hard to tell their age, but they looked about eighteen or nineteen. Then, in an instant, the golden-haired boy turned and looked straight at me. Shit, I thought as I back(backed) away into the darkness.

“Adam?” I heard one of the dark-haired boys ask.

“You okay, dude?” the other asked.

“Yeah. I just thought I saw a girl,” the gold-haired boy said. I swallowed. I’m going to regret this, I thought as I stepped out into the openness. They all stood up as I walked out to the little “party.”

“Dude, you were right. A hot lookin’ girl at that,” the other black-haired boy said. I rolled my eyes at the comment. Boys, I thought. The golden-haired did the same thing.

“Sorry about them. I’m Adam,” he said as he stepped forward with his hand raised for a shake. I looked at it. He got the impression I didn’t want to shake and started to pull back his hand. I stepped forward and took it. I shook it.

“I’m Elizabeth,” I said.

“Nice to meet you, Elizabeth. Let me introduce my friends to you,” Adam said as he pulled back his hand. He pointed to the black-haired boy at his left. “That’s Zach.”

“Hi.” Then he pointed to another one. “ And that’s Derek.”

“Hi” Derek said in a cheery voice. He is happy to meet some one pretty I thought dryly.

“Nice to meet both you,” I said politely. Zach brought up a beer from their ice chest and offered me one.

“Want to join us?” he said with a grin. I looked at him, then the beer.

“I think I will pass. I should be going,” I said with a smile.


“Oh, a good girl,” Derek said, shaking his head. “Of course, all the good ones are the hottest.” He muttered under his breath.

“Yes. It was a pleasure meeting you,” I said. I turned around and walked back. I heard Adam mutter “guys” and then footsteps coming up behind me. I walked into the house.

“Elizabeth, wait,” Adam, said as he came up behind. He rubbed the back of his neck that made me have a burning desire to do it for him. what the crap? i have known this guy for what ? ten minutes? And i already picture myself giving him a back rub i thought.

“I’m sorry about them. Listen, at least let me give you a ride to your house since my friends were being jerks,” Adam Said.Bad idea I thought. (lowercase "S" in said)

“No thanks, but thanks for the offer," I said with a smile.

“But...” he said. I walked away from him. I heard him turn around and walked back to his friends. I left the house and walked down the street. Behind me, I heard a bike start up. It drove up beside me and riding it was Adam.

"Come on. Please let me give you a ride," he said. I looked at him like he was stupid or something.

"I will be perfectly fine on my own," I snarled. I walked faster, but he kept pace with me.

"I said I will be fine on my own," i snapped, looking at him. (capital I)

"Let me be the judge of that. Give me your address," he demanded. I hesitantly told him.

"Jesus, you live all the way out in the country! Get on. I am not about to let a beautiful lady walk alone. Especially in the city," he said as he held out a helmet. I stared at it, then at him.

"Is that your only one?" I asked, trying to find a way out. He lifted another one from the backpack on the bike. ShitI thought as I took the one he held out and put it on. I got on behind him. I felt the warm of his back radiate in to my chest. I almost moaned at the feeling, but held it in.

"Ready?" he inquired as he revved up.

"Ready," I groaned. We took off.

Nitpicks have been picked up on, so i'll do what I do for people who have pages of reviews already...

Beginning
It's quite good. I would read on, and it draws the reader in for the 'fifty five years ago' thing. That is a great way to structure an opening paragraph!

I walked though it, into the front yard.

Night Mistress wrote:Chapter One

[s]I stood [/s]outside the rotten, iron gate looking into the old, abandoned manor [Now expand this description of both the iron gate and the house and have this as your starting line. Make sure your descriptions are suggestive, so as to draw the reader in]. It had been at least a decade since I had last been to this house[this is a brilliant follow on line from the amazing description you're going to have - so keep this!! (: ]. I wanted to see how much my home had changed over the years. I heard that Realtors are having a hard time selling it because what happen fifty- five years ago [how does she know this?].I sighed and turned up my iPod in my jacket pocket. I put my hand on the gate and pushed it open.

[You are using 'I' a lot to start your sentences. Try starting them well an adverb or adjective instead. For example, take: I sighed and turned up my iPod in my jacket pocket. I put my hand on the gate and pushed it open.. Now, lets swap the words around to: Turning up my iPod fall blast, I sighed and removed my hands from where they nestled in my jacket pocket. Curling them around the cold, rusted metal gate I pushed it open swiftly and easily; I was surprised with the ease at which they opened. - See how easy it is to exclude both 'I' starting sentences? So, it's pretty easy - all you need to do is swap the words around, and voila! You've started a sentence alternatively!! From now on, I'll underline the sentences that begin with 'I' that I think you can change...]

It didn't hurt when the rust on the gate pricked my finger as I forced the old thing[this doesn't sound quite right - try and find an alternative word, maybe even a metaphor?][/b] open. I walked though it, into the front yard; my finger brushed over the tall grass. The leathery feel brought back memories of playing in the front yard as a child. This garden used to be beautiful, but now, [s]I thought[/s] as I looked around, it’s nothing more than a jungle. Without meaning to, I kicked up dirt and got it on my shoes as I walked. I strolled up to the door and noticed that it was open.

So, people have been visiting, I thought as I turned down the iPod. I put my foot on the threshold and opened it wider. Even though I had earphones in my ears, my abnormally good hearing heard voices in the house. I removed my earphones and stepped into the threshold[the threshold of what? Elaborate and show, please (: ][/b].

Everything was filthy with dust. I walked into the entrance hall, and then into the living room. I looked around, memories coming back. A little girl running around, so happy and carefree, then the walls smeared with blood and a scream. I walked around the living room, with a hand on the wall, feeling rough texture under my hand. I smiled to myself, because I’d often [b]done this whilst I was growing up in this place. When I touch a smooth spot, I froze with fear of the past.

A teenage girl seeing her parents’ blood on the wall. She froze on the spot and watched as a man in a black ski mask approached her with a blood-dripping knife.

[I don't see the reason for having some of your sentences in bold. I would keep to italics for the memories and normal as the present time. I have got rid of the bold parts, so you can see whether you agree or not]

No time to mess around, I thought as I dropped my hand like skin to a branding iron [awesome use of simile - great job! (: ]. I heard voices and [s]by[/s] judging by the distance of them, people were in the back yard. I make my way to the back of the house. I stopped at the broken glass back door, before the light reached in. From what I could see [s]saw[/s], it was three young men who were having a good time and drinking their beers. My violet eyes raked over each of them. Two were black haired, dark brown eyes and were of average height, and were dress[b]ed very nicely. The other one was golden haired;[delete semi-colon here] light eyes, and also wore nice clothes. My eyes raked over their form. Each of them was lean with muscles and their white shirts showed their chests off nicely. Their khaki[s]s[/s] pants showed their long legs.

Down girl I thought as erotic pictures started to form in my head.

It was hard to tell their age, but they looked about eighteen or nineteen. Then, in an instant, the golden-haired boy turned and looked straight at me. Shit, I thought as I backed away into the darkness.

“Adam?” I heard one of the dark-haired boys ask [as she can't see them as they talk, it doesn't mean that the description should stop here. Move over to the hearing tense and show us what she can hear through this conversation - beer cans being thrown on the floor, crisp-packets crackling, the boys moving, even their tone of voice - are they dark, raspy...?].

“You okay, dude?” the other asked.

“Yeah. I just thought I saw a girl,” the gold-haired boy said [describe tone of voice - thoughtful, confused...?]. I swallowed. I’m going to regret this, I thought as I stepped out into the openness. They all stood up as I walked out to the little “party.”[Put in '' instead as you're already using " " for speech]

“Dude, you were right. A hot lookin’ girl at that,” the other black-haired boy said. I rolled my eyes at the comment. Boys, I thought. The golden-haired did the same thing.

“Sorry about them. I’m Adam,” he said as he stepped forward with his hand raised for a shake. I looked at it. He got the impression I didn’t want to shake and started to pull back his hand. I stepped forward and took it. I shook it.

“I’m Elizabeth,” I said.

“Nice to meet you, Elizabeth. Let me introduce my friends to you,” Adam said as he pulled back his hand. He pointed to the black-haired boy at his left. “That’s Zach.”

“Hi.” Then he pointed to the [s]an[/s]other one. “ And that’s Derek.”

“Hi[comma]” Derek said in a cheery voice. He is happy to meet some one pretty[comma] I thought dryly.

“Nice to meet both you,” I said politely. Zach brought up a beer from their ice chest and offered me one.

“Want to join us?” he said with a grin. I looked at him, then the beer.

“I think I will pass. I should be going,” I said with a smile.


“Oh, a good girl,” Derek said, shaking his head. “Of course, all the good ones are the hottest.” He muttered under his breath.

“Yes. It was a pleasure meeting you,” I said. I turned around and walked back. I heard Adam mutter “guys” [I wouldn't have this in italics as it's a direct speech and not a thought]and then footsteps coming up behind me. I walked into the house.

“Elizabeth, wait,” Adam, said as he came up behind. He rubbed the back of his neck that made me have a burning desire to do it for him. What the crap? I have known this guy for what ? ten minutes? And I already picture myself giving him a back rub[comma] I thought [sardonically? Desparingly...?].

“I’m sorry about them. Listen, at least let me give you a ride to your house since my friends were being jerks,” Adam said.Bad idea I thought.

“No thank you, but thanks for the offer," I said with a smile.

“But...” he said. I walked away from him. I heard him turn around and walked back to his friends. I left the house and walked down the street. Behind me, I heard a bike start up. It drove up beside me and riding it was Adam [instead of stating that the driver is Adam, try and show us instead?].

"Come on, please let me give you a ride," he said. I looked at him like he was stupid or something [try describing the expression instead?].

"I will be perfectly fine on my own," I snarled. I walked faster, but he kept pace with me.

"I said I will be fine on my own," I snapped, looking at him.

"Let me be the judge of that. Give me your address," he demanded. [s]I[/s] Hesitantly[comma] I told him.

"Jesus, you live all the way out in the country! Get on. I am not about to let a beautiful lady [I'm guessing your MC looks like a teenager? If so, replace this with girl instead] walk alone. Especially in the city," he said as he held out a helmet. I stared at it, then at him.

"Is that your only one?" I asked, trying to find a way out. He lifted another one from the backpack on the bike. Shit[comma] I thought as I took the one he held out and put it on. I got on behind him. I felt the warm of his back radiate in to my chest. I almost moaned at the feeling, but held it in.

"Ready?" he inquired as he revved up.

"Ready," I groaned; we took off.

I stood outside the rotten, iron gate looking into the old, abandoned manor.

I wanted to see how much my home had changed over the years. i heard that Realtors are having a hard time selling it because what happen fifty- five years ago.I sighed and turned up my ipod in my jacket pocket. I put my hand on the gate and pushed it open.

It didn't hurt when the rust on the gate pricked my finger as I forced the old thing open.

I walked though it, into the front yard.

My finger brushed over the tall grass. The leathery feel brought back memories of playing in the front yard as a child.

Without meaning to, I kicked up dirt and got it on my shoes as I walked.

So, people have been visiting, I thought as I turned down the ipod. I put my foot on the threshold and opened it wider. Even though I had earphones in my ears, my abnormally good hearing heard voices in the house. I removed my earphones and stepped into the threshold.

. A little girl running around, so happy and carefree, then the walls smeared with blood and a scream.

I smiled to myself, because I’d often when I was growing up in this place

When I touch a smooth spot, I froze with fear of the past.

A teenage girl seeing her parents’ blood on the wall. She froze on the spot and watched as a man in a black ski mask approaching her with a blood-dripping knife.

My violet eyes raked over each of them.

My eyes raked over their form.

Down girl I thought as erotic pictures form in my head.

Adam said as he pulled back his hand.

I heard Adam mutter “guys” and then footsteps coming up behind me. I walked into the house.

“Elizabeth, wait,” Adam, said as he came up behind.

He rubbed the back of his neck that made me have a burning desire to do it for him. what the crap? i have known this guy for what ? ten minutes? And i already picture myself giving him a back rub i thought.

I heard him turn around and walked back to his friends.

Behind me, I heard a bike start up. It drove up beside me and riding it was Adam.

"Come on. Please let me give you a ride," he said. I looked at him like he was stupid or something.

I almost moaned at the feeling, but held it in.

Salve! Well, you asked a review here I am! Before I start cutting and adding I`ll start with the usual stuff which are that this is a nice story, full descriptions and the sentences flow quite nicely.

I`ll take what I think it's not right, give you examples that you can use and so.

1.

Down girl I thought as erotic pictures form in my head.

It was hard to tell their age, but they looked about eighteen or nineteen. Then, in an instant, the golden-haired boy turned and looked straight at me. Shit, I thought as I back away into the darkness.

“Want to join us?” he said with a grin. I looked at him, then the beer.

“I think I will pass. I should be going,” I said with a smile.

KaliaMarie:

thank for reading and your comments. Good luck with your Homework.

Overall, I really like the ideas. One thing, though. It seems like she would want to make them leave. I mean it's her old house, wouldn't she be uncomfortable with three guys with beer hanging out in the back yard? Maybe not, but that's just what I would have assumed.

Nitpicks:

i heard that Realtors are having a hard time selling it because what happen fifty- five years ago.I sighed and turned up my ipod in my jacket pocket.

This garden used to be beautiful, but now, I thought as I looked around, it’s a jungle.

The leathery feel brought back memories of playing in the front yard as a child.

I put my foot on the threshold and opened it wider. Even though I had earphones in my ears, my abnormally good hearing heard voices in the house. I removed my earphones and stepped into the threshold.

A little girl running around, so happy and carefree, then the walls smeared with blood and a scream. I walked around the living room, with a hand on the wall, feeling rough texture under my hand.

I smiled to myself, because I’d often when I was growing up in this place.

No time to mess around, I thought as I dropped my hand like skin to a branding iron.

Down girl I thought as erotic pictures form in my head.

“Dude, you were right. A hot lookin’ girl at that,” the other black-haired boy said.

The golden-haired did the same thing.

I stepped forward and took it. I shook it.

“Nice to meet you, Elizabeth. Let me introduce my friends to you,”

He is happy to meet some one pretty I thought dryly.

“Of course, all the good ones are the hottest.” He muttered under his breath.

what the crap? i have known this guy for what ? ten minutes? And i already picture myself giving him a back rub i thought.

Adam Said.Bad idea I thought.

“No thanks, but thanks for the offer," I said with a smile

"I said I will be fine on my own," i snapped, looking at him.

ShitI thought as I took the one he held out and put it on.

I almost moaned at the feeling, but held it in.

stood outside the rotten, iron gate looking into the old, abandoned manor. It had been at least a decade since I had last been to this house. I wanted to see how much my home had changed over the years. iI has a capital. heard that Realtors are having a hard time selling it because what happen fifty- five years ago.I sighed and turned up my ipod in my jacket pocket. I put my hand on the gate and pushed it open.


It didn't hurt when the rust on the gate pricked my finger as I forced the old thing open. I walked though it, into the front yard. My finger brushed over the tall grass. The leathery feel brought back memories of playing in the front yard as a child. This garden used to be beautiful, but now, I thought as I looked around, it’sYou suddenly change to present tense, you need to choose either past or present, otherwise it doesn't make sense. a jungle. Without meaning to, I kicked up dirt and got it on my shoes as I walked. I strolled up to the door and noticed that it was open.


So, people have been visiting, I thoughtcomma as I turned down the ipodHm, it might just be me but I think the ipod ruins the whole feel of the story.. I put my foot on the threshold and opened it wider. Even though I had earphones in my ears, my abnormally good hearing heardNever ever, ever put hearing heard, that's terrible. I'm sorry, but seriously, never have it. Changing voices in the house.This sentence doesn't make much sense. Help ? I removed my earphones and stepped into the threshold.


Everything was filthy with dust. I walked into the entrance hall, and then into the living room. I looked around, memories coming back. A little girl running around, so happy and carefree, then the walls smeared with blood and a scream. I walked around the living room, with a hand on the wall, feeling rough texture under my hand. I smiled to myself, because I’d often when I was growing up in this place. When I touch a smooth spot, I froze with fear of the past. Ok; this paragraph was great, up until the point:

I smiled to myself, because I'd often when I was growing up in this place.

Okay; the tenses need work on. Serious work. But besides that this was good. You do need to revise parts, some bits make no sense at all but that's the beauty of writing, it's about having fun, not being great. I didn't really understand this story much but I liked it. Were the boys intruders? If so I think you have a bit too much description, and it doesn't make sense that she'd just run away with them and love them even though she'd only known them for five minutes. If she was scared how would she notice so much? You also need to work on character development. Give your characters quirks, make them real. Make us fall in love with them. It's a nice start though, keep going through with this story. But you must remember, must, must remember. I'm not being critical of you, I'm just trying to help. You know what, ignore this. Ignore me and all the other critiquers. We don't matter, what does is that you're enjoying this and that you find it fun. From that aspect, you're doing great. xD


-Kirsten xxx

Sheepy.shoo:

I know. that's why i planned to go back and edited all of the chapter.

thanks for your review.

I still really like it, but perhaps you could work over it a bit more.

I stood outside the rotten, iron gate looking into the old, abandoned manor. It had been at least a decade since I had last been to this house. I wanted to see how much my home had changed over the years. i (caps)heard that (the?) Realtors are having a hard time selling it because (of)what (had) happen (-ed) fifty- five years ago (what happned?*).I sighed and turned up (the volume?) my ipod in my jacket pocket. I put my hand on the gate and pushed it open.

Hola, Bri!

Your writing just keeps getting better and better This was really good.

I heard that Realtors are having a hard time selling it because what happen fifty- five years ago.

She froze on the spot and watched as a man in a black ski mask approaching her with a blood-dripping knife.

I make my way to the back of the house.

Each of them was lean with muscle and their white shirts show their chests off nicely.

Down girl I thought as erotic pictures form in my head.

Shit, I thought as I back away into the darkness.

“Of course, all the good ones are the hottest.” He muttered under his breath.

what the crap? I have known this guy for what ? ten minutes? And i already picture myself giving him a back rub i thought.

Readers, new and old,

I have edit and i sincerely hope that you like it better this way.

happy reading.

Unlike Andrew, I like how you threw the ipod thing in there. It shows that she is adapting to the modern times and shes trying to blend.
Why does she go back to that house if she's bringing back so many horribly memories? Make a note about her purpose for going back.
When at the gate, (with the rust pricking her finger) make a note that it doesnt hurt her...because vampires aren't bothered by such things.

Down girl I thought as exotic pictures form in my head

So I'm not the best at editing spelling and grammar, so I'm just going to tell you what I think about the ideas.

I like where this is going. It seems strange and that's what's keeping me reading.

I like how it seems like Elizabeth is trying her hardest to be a good girl, even though there are obvious temptations. Inner conflict makes the best stories.

The only thing I see wrong with this is that she has an ipod. It kind of ruined the mood for me. I pictured a girl walking through tall grass towards a dark house that looks empty, then I saw the word ipod and all those Apple commercials came to mind.

Maybe that's just part of my mandatory ADD because I'm a guy kicking in though.

Good job though.

Andrew.

Whoa there. That was...strangely good. I liked it and somehow it made me feel like I was actually there at the party and house.
When I read this I noticed you used "manor" in your first paragraph. I've haven't heard that word in forever. Sounds like something in the 18th hundreds. Which makes this story unique and different.
Now when she pricked her finger did she prick it for blood to come out or just a scratch? Now the grass must of been that tall for her finger to brush it and it's like someone hasn't mowed the lawn in years.
The whole past thing was amazing! Loved the blood-dripping knife effect.
I could tell by Elizabeth's name that she "could" be a vampire or maybe she is from the preface because her name sounds Victorian. Which I totally love that period and of course the Regency period also.
Well I couldn't think of anything else to say...hoped it helped.
-Merry
~off to read ch.2~

Hello again! I for sure like the first few paragraphs WAY better. Your sentences are so much smoother. Nice work!

But I did notice a few things...

I sighed and turned up my ipod in my jacket pocket. I put my hand on the gate and pushed it open.

I walked though it, into the front yard.

Even though I had earphones in my ears, my abnormally good hearing heard voices in the house. I removed my earphones and stepped into the treshold.

I heard voices and by judging the distance of them, people were in the back yard.

I stopped at the broken glass back door, before the light reached in.

Each of them was lean with muscle and their white shirts show their chests off nicely.

Down girl I thought as exotic pictures form in my head.

I didn’t want to shake and started to pull back his hand. I stepped forward and took it. I shook it.

I heard Adam mutter “guys” and then footsteps coming up behind me. I walked into the house.

“No thanks, but thanks for the offer," I said with a smile.

I looked at him like he was stupid or something.

"Is that your only one?" I asked, trying to find a way out. He lifted another one from ther backpack on the bike.

I felt the warm of his back radiate in to my chest.

There. I have edited. I took some of the suggestion and I didn't. Please don't get offensive if i didn't use what you want me to. If you still find something wrong with it, let me know by pm me or leaving another comments. Maybe together we can smooth out the wrinkles of the story. I hope you enjoy the edited version.

NM

Chapter One
I stood outside the rotten, iron gate looking into the old, abandoned manor. It had been, at least a decade, [The two commas are unnecessary.] since I had last been to this house. I sighed and turned up my ipod in my jacket pocket. I put my hand on the gate and pushed it open. The rust on the gate pricked my finger as I forced the old gate open. [You use gate once too often. Either change one use to 'it' or think of an alternative.] I walked though it [This it here isn't needed. 'I walked through, into the front yard...' is sufficient.] and into the front yard. My finger brushed over the tall grass. [Describe the feel of the grass. Is it leathery with age or still soft and supple?] This garden used to be beautiful, but now, I thought as I looked around [s]at the garden[/s], it’s a jungle. Without meaning to, I kicked up dirt and [s]get[/s] got it on my shoes as I walked. I strolled up to the door and noticed that it was open.
So, people have been visiting, I thought as I turned down the ipod. I put my foot on the threshold and opened it wider. Even though I had earphones in my ears, my abnormally good hearing heard voices in the house. I removed my earphones and stepped into the house. [Try to avoid the repetition. Maybe 'over the threshold' or 'through the door' would work.]
Everything was dirty [I think filthy would work better here. Dirty is quite weak.] with dust. I walked into the entrance hall, and then into the living room. I looked around, memories coming back. A little girl running around, so happy and carefree, then the wall smeared with blood and a scream. I walked around the living room, with a hand on the wall. I [s]feel[/s] felt texture [That's a silly way to say it; it makes little sense. Everything has a texture. What sort of texture did she feel? Rough, soft, smooth, raised, flat?] under my hand. I smiled to myself, because [s]I did[/s] I'd done this often when I was growing up in this place.
No time to visit the past, I thought as I dropped my hand like skin to a branding iron. [This sentence is confusing... no idea what you're trying to say.] I heard voices and by judging the distance of them, people were in the back yard. I [s]make[/s] made [You've got to stop changing tenses.] my way to the back of the house. I stopped at the broken glass back door. From what I saw, it was three young men who were having a good time and drinking their beers. My violet eyes raked over each of them. Two had black hair[s]ed[/s], dark brown eyes and were of average height, and were dressed very nicely. The other one was golden haired; light eyes, and also wore nice clothes [You have to end that sentence with a full stop and it would be much better to describe how they were dressed rather than say nice. Trust me, a little decription never hurt. And go beyond hair and eyes. There are many more features than that.]
It was hard to tell their age, but they looked about 18 or 19. [Don't use numbers for age. Write it as 'eighteen or nineteen.'] Then, in an instant, the golden-haired boy turned and looked straight at me. Shit, I thought as I back away into the darkness.
“Adam?” I heard one of the dark-haired boys ask[s]ed[/s].
“You okay, dude?” the other asked.
“Yeah. I just thought I saw a girl,” the gold-haired boy said. I swallowed. I’m going to regret this, I thought as I stepped out into the open[s]ness[/s]. They all stood up as I walked out to the little “party” [You need a full stop here.]
“Dude, you were right. A hot lookin’ girl at that,” a black-haired boy said. I rolled my eyes at the comment. Boys, I thought. The golden-haired boy did the same thing.
“Sorry about them. I am Adam,” he said as he stepped forward with his hand raised for a shake. I looked at it. He got the [s]expression[/s] impression I didn’t want to shake and started to pull back his hand. I stepped forward and took it. I shook it.
“I’m Elizabeth,” I said in a cheery voice.
“Nice to meet you, Elizabeth. Let me introduce my friends to you,” Adam said as he [s]pulls[/s] pulled back his hand. He pointed to the left black-haired boy. “That’s Zach.”
“Hi.” Then he pointed to another one. “ And that’s Derek.”
“Hi.”
“Nice to meet both you,” I said politely. Zach brought up a beer and offered me one.
“Want to join us?” he said with a grin. I looked at him, then the beer.
“I think I will pass. I should be going,” I said with a smile.
“Oh, a good girl,” Derek said, shaking his head. “Of course, all the good ones are the hottest.” He muttered under his breath.
“Yes. It was a pleasure meeting you,” I said. I turned around and walked back. I heard Adam mutter “guys” and then footsteps coming up behind me. I walked into the house.
“Elizabeth, wait,” Adam, said as he came up behind. “I’m sorry about them. Listen, at least let me give you a ride to your house since my friends were being jerks.” Bad idea I thought, but I took it anyway.
“No thanks, but thanks for the offer," I said with a smile.
“but...” he said. I walked away from him. I heard him turn around and [s]walked[/s] walk back to his friends. I left the house and walked down the street. Behind me, I heard a bike start up. It drove up beside me and riding it was...Adam.
"Come on. Please let me give you a ride," he said. I looked at him like he was stupid or something.
"I will be perfectly fine on my own," I snarled.
"Let me be the judge of that. Give me your address," he demanded. I hesitantly told him.
"Jesus, you live all the way in the country! Get on," he said as he held out a helmet. I stared at it, then at him.
"Do have you have one?" I asked, trying to [s]found[/s] find a way out. He lifted another one. Shit [s]i[/s] I thought as I took the one he held out and put it on. I got on behind him.
"Ready?" he inquired as he revved up.
"Ready," I groaned. We took off.

some of your sentences sounded a bit strange and i want to know why she would decline his ride and the hop on.

your story sounded cool can't wait till i read the other chapters.
i think you should think through some of your work before you post.


EVERY CRITIC CAN WRITE WHAT THEY WANT (NO OFFENCE)


___________________________________________________________________
Writing is a passion stick to it.

Having read your prologue I really enjoyed it & am off to read the next chapter. I've enclosed a document on what I think you could improve on. Hope it helps
Lucyy xxx

some sentences were a bit off and you forgot some of the words, but the human brain usually corects them. Sadly, in this world, every writer is a critic to help you because we all make mistakes, but sometimes too many. Next time try to watch your wording

Hello!

I stood outside the rotten, iron gate looking into the old abandon manor.

It been, at least a decade

and get it

my ipod

I sighed and turned up my ipod in my jacket pocket.

My finger brushed over the tall grass.

I kicked up dirt

I thought as I turned down the ipod.

and open it

Even though I had earphones in my ears, my abnormally good hearing heard voices in the house. I removed my [u]earphones and stepped into the

house.

then the wall smear

hapy

I walked around the living room, with a hand on the wall. I feel texture under my hand. I smiled to myself

because I did this often when I was growing up in this place.

From what I saw, it was three young men who were having a good time and drinking their beers.

had black haired

clothes

I back away into the darkness.

“party”

I said in a cheery voice.

as he pulls

“Hi.” Then he pointed to another one. “ And that’s Derek.”

hottest.” He muttered

I like this ending a WHOLE lot better. It was more natural, than forced as before.

Nice job!

I know I am kind of doing another reivew, but I can't resist. Sorry

The rust on the gate pricks my finger as I forced the old gate open.

Without meaning to, I kick up dirt and get it on my shoes as I walked.

I put my foot on the threshold and open it wider.

I feel texture under my hand.

I make my way to the back of the house.

The other one was golden hair; light eyes, and also wore nice clothes.

"I will be perfect find on my own," I snarled.

"Jesus, you live all the way in the country! get on," he said as he held out a helmet. I stared at it, then at him.

"Ready?" he inquired as he revv up.

It been, at least a decade, since I had last been to this house. try: It had been at least a decade since I had last been to the house. ,Or maybe that house. Either way, I think 'this' is present tense, which you are not using here.
I sighed and turned up my ipod in my jacket pocket. The two 'my's feel very close together. maybe try adding something between them or 'the ipod in my jacket pocket'
The rust on the gate pricks my finger as I forced the old gate open. <You suddenly switched to present tense. =P
This garden used to be beautiful, but now, I thought as I looked around at the garden, it’s a jungle. <I think you need to move the italics to incluce "This gaden...."
Without meaning to, I kick up dirt and get it on my shoes as I walked. <Again, present tense sneaked in here.

Everything was dirty with dust. I walked into the entrance hall, and then into the living room. I looked around, memories coming back. I walked around the living room, with a hand on the wall. I feel texture under my hand. Present tense again! I smiled to myself, because I did this often when I was growing up in this place.

No time to visit the past, I thought as I drop my hand like skin to a branding iron. I heard voices and by judging the distance of them, people were in the back yard. I make my way to the back of the house. I stopped at the broken glass back door. From what I saw, it was three young men who were having a good time and drinking their beers. My violet eyes raked over each of them. Two had black hair, dark brown eyes, average height, and were dress very nicely. The other one was golden hair; light eyes, and also wore nice clothes.

He got the expression I didn’t want to shake and started to pull back his hand. <Impression, not expression. Right?

“Nice to meet you, Elizabeth. Let me introduce my friends to you,” Adam said as he pulls back his hand. He pointed to the left black-haired. “That’s Zach.” “Hi.” Then he pointed to another one. “ And that’s Derek.” “Hi.”

This was great! You did really well with all the ideas with her meeting the boys. When I first read it when you PM-ed me, I thought that these boys were vampires, but now I see that they are human, and I like it!

Great job!

I did notice a few things:

I looked around, memories coming back.

“Nice to meet both you,” I said politely.

“You have one to right? Cause if you don’t, the ride is off,” I warned.

This was pretty good. A few shaky sentences here and there. I'm wondering what will happen next. Overall, it was more of a plot build chapter, which is what the first chapter should be. It wasn't very exciting, but it's starting to set up for an exciting part ahead. I'm excited! ^^

I really like this chapter, the only things i would like you to add are why she is there, why she shows herself and why she accepts his ride. Also I really enjoyed your use of sensatory description in your prologue and you didn't use as much here, but overall it was good, it could be better tho, but then again everything can always be better, nothing is perfect.


Here are the mistakes I caught.

Night Mistress wrote:Chapter One

I stood outside the rotten, iron gate looking into the old abandon manor. It has been decades since I had last been to this house. I sighed and turned up my ipod in my jacket pocket. I put my hand on the gate and pushed it open. The rust on the gate pricks my finger as I forced the old gate open. I walked though it and into the front yard. My finger brushed over the tall grass. This garden used to be beautiful, but now, I thought as I looking (looked) around at the garden, it’s a jungle. Without meaning to, I kick up dirt and get them (should be 'it') on my shoes as I walked. I strolled up to the door and noticed that it was open.

So, people have been visiting, I thought as I turned down the ipod. I put my foot on the threshold and open it wider. Even though I had earphone (s) in my ears, my abnormally good earring (Should be hearing?) heard voices in the house. I removed my earphones and stepped into the house.

Everything was dirty with dust. I walked into the entrance hall, and then into the living room. I looked around, memories coming back. I walked around the living room, with a hand on the wall. I feel texture under my hand. I smiled to myself, because I did this often when I was growing up.

No time to visit the past, I thought as I drop my hand like skin to a branding iron. I heard voices and by judging the distance of them, people were in the back yard. I make my way to the back of the house. I stopped at the broken glass back door. From what I saw, it was three young men who were having a good time and drinking their beers. My violet eyes raked over each other (shouldn't be here.)of them. Two had black hair, dark brown eyes, average height, and were dress (ed) very nicely. The other one was (Should be had) golden hair; light eyes, and was (Dont need 'was' here.) also wore nice clothes

It was hard to tell their age, but they looked about 18 or 19. Then, in an instant, the golden-haired boy turned and looked straight at me. Shit, I thought as I back away into the darkness.

“Adam?” I heard one of the dark-haired asked.

“You okay, dude?” the other asked.

“Yeah. I just thought I saw a girl,” the gold-haired said. I swallowed. I’m going to regret this, I thought as I stepped out into the openness. They all stood up as I walked out to the little “party”

“Dude, you were right. A hot lookin’ girl at that,” a black-haired said. I rolled my eyes at the comment. Boys, I thought. The golden-haired did the same thing.

“Sorry about them. I am Adam,” she (She? isn't he a guy?) said as he stepped forward with his hand raise for a shake. I looked at it. He got the expression I didn’t want to shake and started to pull back his hand. I stepped forward and took it. I shook it.

“I’m Elizabeth,” I said in a cheery voice.

“Nice to meet you, Elizabeth. Let me introduce my friend to you,” Adam said as he pulls back his hand. He pointed to the left black-haired. “That’s Zach.” “Hi.” Then he pointed to another one. “ And that’s Derek.” “Hi.”

“Nice to meet both (of) you,” I said politely. Zach bring (Should be brought) up a beer and offer (need 'ed') me one.

“Want to join us?” he said with a grin. I looked at him, then the beer.

“I think I will pass. I should be going,” I said with a smile.

“Oh, a good girl,” Derek said, shaking his head. “Of course, all the good ones are the hottest.” He muttered under his breath.

“Yes. It was a pleasure meeting you,” I said. I turned around and walked back. I heard Adam muttered (Take of 'ed') “guys” and then footsteps coming up behind me. I walked into the house.

“Elizabeth, wait,” Adam, said as he came up behind. “I’m sorry about them. Listen, let me give you a ride to (missing 'your' here) house.” Bad idea I thought, but I took it anyway.

“Thanks. I would love a ride,” I said with a smile.

“Great. Let me say goodbye and we’ll get going,” he said. He headed back to his friends as I waited for him. He came back and led me outside the house and gate. He went over to a bike on the other side.

“That’s yours?!?” I asked, excited. I loved bikes; I even had one of my own.

“Yeah. She’s my baby,” he said as he mounts the bike. The bike was a pretty blue color. He handed me a helmet.

“You have one to right? Cause if you don’t, the ride is off,” I warned. He smiled and pulls out another one.

“Good,” I said as I pull on the helmet and got on behind him. I wrapped my arms around his waist and clasp my hands.

“ready?” he asked as he turns on the bike.

“Ready,” I agreed and we took off.