Chapter One
I stood outside the rotten, iron gate looking into the old, abandoned manor. It had been at least a decade since I had last been to this house. I wanted to see how much my home had changed over the years. i heard that Realtors are having a hard time selling it because what happen fifty- five years ago.I sighed and turned up my ipod in my jacket pocket. I put my hand on the gate and pushed it open.
It didn't hurt when the rust on the gate pricked my finger as I forced the old thing open. I walked though it, into the front yard. My finger brushed over the tall grass. The leathery feel brought back memories of playing in the front yard as a child. This garden used to be beautiful, but now, I thought as I looked around, it’s a jungle. Without meaning to, I kicked up dirt and got it on my shoes as I walked. I strolled up to the door and noticed that it was open.
So, people have been visiting, I thought as I turned down the ipod. I put my foot on the threshold and opened it wider. Even though I had earphones in my ears, my abnormally good hearing heard voices in the house. I removed my earphones and stepped into the threshold.
Everything was filthy with dust. I walked into the entrance hall, and then into the living room. I looked around, memories coming back. A little girl running around, so happy and carefree, then the walls smeared with blood and a scream. I walked around the living room, with a hand on the wall, feeling rough texture under my hand. I smiled to myself, because I’d often when I was growing up in this place. When I touch a smooth spot, I froze with fear of the past.
A teenage girl seeing her parents’ blood on the wall. She froze on the spot and watched as a man in a black ski mask approaching her with a blood-dripping knife.
No time to mess around, I thought as I dropped my hand like skin to a branding iron. I heard voices and by judging the distance of them, people were in the back yard. I make my way to the back of the house. I stopped at the broken glass back door, before the light reached in. From what I saw, it was three young men who were having a good time and drinking their beers. My violet eyes raked over each of them. Two were black haired, dark brown eyes and were of average height, and were dress very nicely. The other one was golden haired; light eyes, and also wore nice clothes. My eyes raked over their form. Each of them was lean with muscle and their white shirts show their chests off nicely. Their khakis pants showed their long legs.
Down girl I thought as erotic pictures form in my head.
It was hard to tell their age, but they looked about eighteen or nineteen. Then, in an instant, the golden-haired boy turned and looked straight at me. Shit, I thought as I back away into the darkness.
“Adam?” I heard one of the dark-haired boys ask.
“You okay, dude?” the other asked.
“Yeah. I just thought I saw a girl,” the gold-haired boy said. I swallowed. I’m going to regret this, I thought as I stepped out into the openness. They all stood up as I walked out to the little “party.”
“Dude, you were right. A hot lookin’ girl at that,” the other black-haired boy said. I rolled my eyes at the comment. Boys, I thought. The golden-haired did the same thing.
“Sorry about them. I’m Adam,” he said as he stepped forward with his hand raised for a shake. I looked at it. He got the impression I didn’t want to shake and started to pull back his hand. I stepped forward and took it. I shook it.
“I’m Elizabeth,” I said.
“Nice to meet you, Elizabeth. Let me introduce my friends to you,” Adam said as he pulled back his hand. He pointed to the black-haired boy at his left. “That’s Zach.”
“Hi.” Then he pointed to another one. “ And that’s Derek.”
“Hi” Derek said in a cheery voice. He is happy to meet some one pretty I thought dryly.
“Nice to meet both you,” I said politely. Zach brought up a beer from their ice chest and offered me one.
“Want to join us?” he said with a grin. I looked at him, then the beer.
“I think I will pass. I should be going,” I said with a smile.
“Oh, a good girl,” Derek said, shaking his head. “Of course, all the good ones are the hottest.” He muttered under his breath.
“Yes. It was a pleasure meeting you,” I said. I turned around and walked back. I heard Adam mutter “guys” and then footsteps coming up behind me. I walked into the house.
“Elizabeth, wait,” Adam, said as he came up behind. He rubbed the back of his neck that made me have a burning desire to do it for him. what the crap? i have known this guy for what ? ten minutes? And i already picture myself giving him a back rub i thought.
“I’m sorry about them. Listen, at least let me give you a ride to your house since my friends were being jerks,” Adam Said.Bad idea I thought.
“No thanks, but thanks for the offer," I said with a smile.
“But...” he said. I walked away from him. I heard him turn around and walked back to his friends. I left the house and walked down the street. Behind me, I heard a bike start up. It drove up beside me and riding it was Adam.
"Come on. Please let me give you a ride," he said. I looked at him like he was stupid or something.
"I will be perfectly fine on my own," I snarled. I walked faster, but he kept pace with me.
"I said I will be fine on my own," i snapped, looking at him.
"Let me be the judge of that. Give me your address," he demanded. I hesitantly told him.
"Jesus, you live all the way out in the country! Get on. I am not about to let a beautiful lady walk alone. Especially in the city," he said as he held out a helmet. I stared at it, then at him.
"Is that your only one?" I asked, trying to find a way out. He lifted another one from the backpack on the bike. ShitI thought as I took the one he held out and put it on. I got on behind him. I felt the warm of his back radiate in to my chest. I almost moaned at the feeling, but held it in.
"Ready?" he inquired as he revved up.
"Ready," I groaned. We took off.
End of chapter
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anit-pop:
i have edited the first chapter already.
I haven also change the title of my story too. as i edited the chapter, i am change the name too. the new stuff is called Addicting Poison. i hope you check that out and be more pleased.
Hey Mistress!
First off:
This was much more satisfying than the prologue! I'm really interested into what the story has to offer now. However, I am sad to say that there were far too many grammar issues in this piece. Before you post a story on here, the easiest thing to check for is proper punctuation. It was almost painful to read this and constantly see 'i' in lowercase form.
Also, I'm sure you'd be able to read through this and spot quite a few sentences that could be reworded to make more sense. I won't point them out, seeing how many before myself already have.
Real quick, let's take a look at your protagonist, Elizabeth. I have to be honest when I say I'm not quite sure if I like her just yet. She seems to have a rather outgoing, yet sensible disposition, but it seems to me that she's also a bit conceited? Perhaps it could just be her assessing the situation when the boys comment about her appearance, but it seemed to me like she was being a little stuck-up.
I do like that she was hesitant to get on the bike. That shows that she has at least a bit of sense and everyone appreciates that quality, I think.
Overall, I liked the idea. I can't wait for more. However, I highly suggest you take the advice of reviewers. You don't have to change the whole concept of your story, but for simple mistakes like punctuation and spelling, editing is just fine.
*anti-pop
Okay, I've read this story a few times before and meant to review it. I think it's good-- it's a good start, and I hope you finish it.
To be honest, it's not really my type of story-- it's romantic fiction and vampiric fiction. I can't stand either of them, so I can't really give much criticism on this, since I'm not good at writing either.
Elizabeth's personality shows well here, however. I think you've developed her well. Just watch your capitals and lowercases, and then you'd be great!
I think everyone else has touched on the most important aspects here, I'm sorry it took me so long
Great job, I give it 8/10
Keep writing!
xxJUNE
Nitpicks have been picked up on, so i'll do what I do for people who have pages of reviews already...
Beginning
It's quite good. I would read on, and it draws the reader in for the 'fifty five years ago' thing. That is a great way to structure an opening paragraph!
no comma
Ending
Yeah i would read on!
Setting[b]
Be specific. How does it feel? It's been empty for a few decades, right? And even with the odd couple inside it should be cold and dank. Smelly? Rotting in places? It's fifty five years old at the very least, and would've been years old when she lived in there. It's kind of ancient. So get a rough time period and put it in there in the small details!
[b]Characters
they developed nicely. But she's a vamp, yes? Well then, not meaning to do this to you, but is she going to be like Edward Cullen in the terms of wanting human blood or not? Make this obvious... sorry about that hehe
Spelling/nitpicks
- ipod should be Ipod, right? Otherwise no major biggies, they're been picked up on.
- New lines for the bolded bits on her flashbacks.
- Don't use said so much! It's VOID OF EMOTION! And after 10 it's kind of annoying... and in 2 places you use an alternative but go right back to said. What do the words sound like? Harsh or soft, angry or lusty? Grouchy, croaky, smooth, rough, what?
WATCH YOUR TENSE this was the biggggg problem with this. You go from present to past in the matter of four words. Be consistent. Read it back to yourself and you will definitely find your problem, and will be able to fix it.
Hope that helped. It was another interesting development, and now I need to keep reading.
Last Minute Views
Pronoun
As I already mentioned, you tend to overuse the pronoun 'I' to start a sentence, but you also use it a lot whilst writing. So, try to cut down on the use of 'I', especially when starting a sentence.
Choppy sentences
Occasionally you would add in a short sentence for effect (which is great!), but sometimes the effect ended up by it sounding choppy, especially when they started with 'I'. So, you can both cut down the use of 'I' (as I've already mentioned), and start to read your work aloud. You'll be surprised, but reading it aloud does give it a whole new perspective, and will help you to clear up choppy sentences, stuff that doesn't make etc. I'm always reading my work aloud - most of the time my mum thinks I'm talking to myself, so she gets a little worried, but it's incredibly helpful to me, and I hope for you too!!
Showing not telling
I've pointed out where you tend to tell instead of show. I'm a major criminal in this offense, so don't worry, just when you read through it try to read from a different perspective to see whether you've done enough showing instead of telling!
Your MC
I love the way she's developed in this chapter, and how you keep on referring back to her thought - keep it up!!
Overall
This was a great starting chapter, and if you just brush up on the minor things I've mentioned above, it should help to make this even better. I apologise beforehand if I've been to harsh and also if I've repeated what has already been said (I'm too lazy to read the other reviews =P).
I really hope this helped you out,
--Lucyy xx
Get rid of old. Abandoned things are generally old. How can iron be rotten? Rusted, yes, but iron doesn't rot.
You have four sentences in a row starting with 'I'. This makes it read like a list, consider rewording. For instance-
I wanted to see how my home had changed over the years. Realtors were rumoured to be having a hard time selling it, even though fifty five years had passed since 'the incident'. I turned up my ipod with a sigh, and pushed the gate open.
You may have noticed I have also taken out some words in the first line. I am a believer in the economy of words- getting your idea across in the simplest way possible. It still makes sense, and is to the point, and reads nicer, wouldn't you agree?
I have also reworded the second half of the next sentence. It's just how I would have phrased it- I'm not sure how to explain why I prefer it that way, it just seems clearer, to me. All minds work different, eh?
To push a gate open you usually need to put your hand on it, so I omitted that detail. Be wary of over-explaining the little, meaningless details. It is almost insulting to the reader- they aren't idiots, they can fill in the small, obvious details themselves.
Is this necessary information? It's awkward and I just had to think "Why is this detail here?" and couldn't find a reason.
Just say, 'I walked into the front yard.' It's obvious, since she opened the gate, she would walk through it.
Grass doesn't really feel leathery, in my experience....
Why are you telling us this?
You describe it as a threshold twice. With a word like 'threshold', it sticks out if used too often, as it's not something you use every day. 'Stepped through the door' would be better.
You have it in italics, so get rid of the bolding. I don't like bolding in books, as when I look at the page, the sentence jumps at me as soon as I glance at it, before I even read the other lines before hand.
Also, this is awkwardly worded.
A little girl running around, happy and carefree. Then the walls smeared with blood. A scream.
The fullstops give it more impact, in my opinion. What do you think?
Huh?
touched.
You already have blood on the wall, so get rid of the 'blood dripping' bit. It's obvious the knife would be bloody.
Egh. Find another way to describe her eyes. If you were describing what you had done, you wouldn't say "My brown eyes glared at the empty plate", would you? This just sounds awkward.
You have already used 'raked'. You may not use this action for another four turns.
Woah. Just cause I see a nice bit of eye candy doesn't mean I think of erotic things that instant 0.0
Get rid of this. You don't have to explain every action.
You have 'come/ing up behind' twice in a short amount of space.
0.0 Okay, for a start, capitalize your 'i's. I mean, really, I learned this in the first year of school. There's no excuses, you should proof read your work before you post!
And second. I agree. What the crap. ><; Though if you're going to swear I reckon the f word would fit better there, there's no point in half measures if it's not going to sound right.
'walked' should be 'walk'.
If he walked to his friends, how come he was out the front with his bike? Why didn't she see it on the way in?
Get rid of the 'or something'. You know you looked at him like he was stupid, you don't need to guess.
.....0.0
Okay, first off, why was she there, really? I mean, all well and good to go back and reflect, but it seems to me she is a long way from home for some nostalgia. I think there needs to be stronger reasoning- otherwise it feels like you have included it only to introduce Adam. That's not a good thing.
Second, you need to stop repeating the same phrases and words so often, so close. Use a thesaurus, I do, even the best writers out there probably do.
Third, the attraction for him is way too intense, too fast, and too shallow. Think about it. You see a hot guy, and unless you are really sexually frustrated, you don't actually imagine him in your bed instantly. Your heart may quicken, your skin may flush, and you may think appreciative thoughts, but to think erotic thoughts straight away?
And I doubt cuddling up to someone's back is going to make you want to moan, as much as the guy would like to think he's just that good. ^^
Forth, some showing would be nice. Show she's scared by describing her heart beating faster, her blood draining from her face, her limbs trembling, and the like. Show she's annoyed by narrowing her eyes, giving her voice a colder tone, stiffening her body language. Show us the garden is wild by describing the grass up to her thigh, the weeds strewn through the soil, the trees unpruned and wild.
Fifth, please, please, please proof read. A lot of simple mistakes would have been picked out.
I don't have much to say on the plot, other then this just feels like it's there to introduce Adam. Why were they there?
This said, you are developing the story, introducing new ideas, so that's good. A few tweaks- really, it won't take a hell of a lot- and this will be solid.
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me. I'll be glad to help.
-Nutty
Salve! Well, you asked a review here I am! Before I start cutting and adding I`ll start with the usual stuff which are that this is a nice story, full descriptions and the sentences flow quite nicely.
I`ll take what I think it's not right, give you examples that you can use and so.
1.
Here you can say something of her reaction, the position she is in, the feeling even a little memory of an old friend or something.
Example: Down girl I though as erotic pictures formed in my head. I left my body fell on the ground, hoping that the bush will cover me. The smell of grass hit me and overwhelmed me leaving me a little dizzy as the memory of my childhood flashed back. I crawled closer to the undergrowth of the garden.
My chest was killing me as my heart pounded quickly in a sense of fear and childish excitement. I pulled myself off the ground and sticked out my head to look at the guys. I gazed insistently at them. Hmm... eighteen, nineteen maybe? In an instant, the golden-haired boy turned and looked straight at me. Shit I though as my body acted in an reflex and pulled me back into the darkness.
2.
Ok. A little more of the acting of the character would be nice.
Example: "Want to join us?" he said with a grin. I looked at him, raised a corner of my mouth in a weird smile and turned my eyes to the beer.
"Cheers, but I`ll pass. I need to get going." I turned looking at the gate.
Nothing more to say. Overall it`s a great chapter. You could interrupt the dialogue with some visual, sound images like: Zach opened the beer loudly. I followed the lid spinning in the air and falling on the ground joining the others. or Zach and Derek started laughing in the back. " Ehm... again sorry for them. Complete idiots." said Adam with a bored look on his face.
Hope it helped. Luck!
-Akayl
KaliaMarie:
thank for reading and your comments. Good luck with your Homework.
Overall, I really like the ideas. One thing, though. It seems like she would want to make them leave. I mean it's her old house, wouldn't she be uncomfortable with three guys with beer hanging out in the back yard? Maybe not, but that's just what I would have assumed.
Nitpicks:
The first "i" should be capitalized, happen should be happened, and there should be a space after the first period. Also there shouldn't be a space after "fifty-" and I'm not sure, but I think the "p" in iPod should be capitalized, too.
Thoughts should be italisized.
Good description. I liked that line.
Threshold used twice so close together sounds a little redundant, and the bolded sentence sounds a little awkward.
I would get rid of the "under my hand" at the end of that. Also, I would have liked to see some sort of emotional reaction after the flashback. Is she upset? What's that make her feel like?
This sentence doesn't make sense to me. I would reword it.
I like this line. (:
Lol! There needs a comma after girl, though. And I think form should be formed. Tenses can be tricky.
I don't know if him coming right out and saying she looks hot is very realistic. I mean, I'm not familiar with how somewhat drunk guys act, but maybe have him whisper it to the other guys, rather than just blurting it out? Maybe that's just my naive opinion.
That sentence sounds awkward to me. Maybe use his name because they already called him Adam.
This sounds a little choppy. I would try to make that into one sentence, or at least make it flow better.
I would take out the "to you" part. I think it sounds better without it.
Someone is one word, and you need a comma after pretty. Also, maybe make him be more obvious at thinking she's pretty other than just being cheery and coming out and saying it. Maybe talk about how he looked at her. I mean, he could just be enjoying his buzz from the beer. Also, it doesn't feel realistic. I mean what girl thinks like that? Something closer to "I am looking good tonight, aren't I?" Or something. But that wording doesn't sound right to me.
This line feels more realistic.
You need way more capitals in this, plus a comma after rub. And I like that thought process.
"Said" shouldn't be capitalized, space after the period and comma after idea.
Don't say thanks twice. It doesn't make sense.
Capital "I".
Comma and space after "Shit".
Moaning about a back is a little bit overexaggerated, I think. I mean talk about how good it feels, but that's kind of overdoing it.
Plot: Very interesting. I'm excited to see where it's going to go. I would have liked to see her feel more inclined towards eating them, though. (I mean if she's a vampire. I'm assuming, but she is, right?)
Characters: I think they could use some more development. They feel sort of shallow and I don't feel like I know them very well yet. That might come more later, but especially Elizabeth, since we're inside her head, should be a little clearer.
Elizabeth: I feel like she doesn't really know what she wants. I'd prefer if she was a little more strong willed and decisive. I don't really have a good feeling for her character yet, besides the fact that she likes Adam, and has a bad past.
Adam: Typical nice guy. Don't get me wrong, that's fine as long as we see some more personalization and less cliche.
Overall: Very good. I'm excited to read more! (I still have homework tonight, though, so I'll have to do more critiques later.)
Hope I've been helpfull!
p.s. I think this is probably the longest review I've given. (:
stood outside the rotten, iron gate looking into the old, abandoned manor. It had been at least a decade since I had last been to this house. I wanted to see how much my home had changed over the years. iI has a capital. heard that Realtors are having a hard time selling it because what happen fifty- five years ago.I sighed and turned up my ipod in my jacket pocket. I put my hand on the gate and pushed it open.
I removed my earphones and stepped into the threshold.
It's starting to develop more 
I didn't really understand this story much but I liked it. Were the boys intruders? If so I think you have a bit too much description, and it doesn't make sense that she'd just run away with them and love them even though she'd only known them for five minutes. If she was scared how would she notice so much? You also need to work on character development. Give your characters quirks, make them real. Make us fall in love with them. It's a nice start though, keep going through with this story. But you must remember, must, must remember. I'm not being critical of you, I'm just trying to help. You know what, ignore this. Ignore me and all the other critiquers. We don't matter, what does is that you're enjoying this and that you find it fun. From that aspect, you're doing great. xD 
It didn't hurt when the rust on the gate pricked my finger as I forced the old thing open. I walked though it, into the front yard. My finger brushed over the tall grass. The leathery feel brought back memories of playing in the front yard as a child. This garden used to be beautiful, but now, I thought as I looked around, it’sYou suddenly change to present tense, you need to choose either past or present, otherwise it doesn't make sense. a jungle. Without meaning to, I kicked up dirt and got it on my shoes as I walked. I strolled up to the door and noticed that it was open.
So, people have been visiting, I thoughtcomma as I turned down the ipodHm, it might just be me but I think the ipod ruins the whole feel of the story.. I put my foot on the threshold and opened it wider. Even though I had earphones in my ears, my abnormally good hearing heardNever ever, ever put hearing heard, that's terrible. I'm sorry, but seriously, never have it. Changing voices in the house.This sentence doesn't make much sense. Help ?
Everything was filthy with dust. I walked into the entrance hall, and then into the living room. I looked around, memories coming back. A little girl running around, so happy and carefree, then the walls smeared with blood and a scream. I walked around the living room, with a hand on the wall, feeling rough texture under my hand. I smiled to myself, because I’d often when I was growing up in this place. When I touch a smooth spot, I froze with fear of the past. Ok; this paragraph was great, up until the point: That doesn't make sense. Unless you mean you often smiled to yourself in that place, in which case this sentence still needs revising. On the plus side this paragraph was great
A teenage girl seeing her parents’ blood on the wall. She froze on the spot and watched as a man in a black ski mask approaching her with a blood-dripping knife.
No time to mess around, I thought as I dropped my hand like skin to a branding iron. I heard voices and by judgingjudging by, not by judging. the distance of them, people were in the back yard. I make my way to the back of the house. I stopped at the broken glass back door, before the light reached in. From what I saw, it was three young men who were having a good time and drinking their beers. My violet eyes raked over each of them. Two were black haired, You need the word with here, or eyed instead of eyes.dark brown eyes and were of average heightFull stop/period instead of comma. They were dress very nicely. The other one was golden haired;With light eyes or light eyed. light eyes, and also wore nice clothes.This isn't really neccessary, perhaps you could have included this with the other two's nice clothes. My eyes raked over their form. Rewrite: All of them were lean, with muscle and white shirts showing off their chests. Each of them was lean with muscle and their white shirts show their chests off nicely. Their khakis pants showed their long legs.
Down girl I thought as erotic pictures form in my head. Again; you're jumping from tenses, be very wary of this. Down girl I thought as erotic pictures form in my head.
It was hard to tell their age, but they looked about eighteen or nineteen. Then, in an instant, the golden-haired boy turned and looked straight at me. Shit, I thoughtEither have think here or thought. as I back awayYour choice from the last underlined note is important here too. If you choose to say Shit, I think, then you'll have to use as I back away. If you choose thought, then you must use backed away. into the darkness.
“Adam?” I heard one of the dark-haired boys ask.
“You okay, dude?” the other asked.
“Yeah. I just thought I saw a girl,” the gold-haired boy said. I swallowed. I’m going to regret this, I thought as I stepped out into the openness. They all stood up as I walked out to the little “party.”
“Dude, you were right. A hot lookin’ girl at that,” the other black-haired boy said. I rolled my eyes at the comment. Boys, I thought. The golden-haired did the same thing.
“Sorry about them. I’m Adam,” he said as he stepped forward with his hand raised for a shake. I looked at it. He got the impression I didn’t want to shake and started to pull back his hand. I stepped forward and took it. I shook it.
“I’m Elizabeth,” I said.
“Nice to meet you, Elizabeth. Let me introduce my friends to you,” Adam said as he pulled back his hand. He pointed to the black-haired boy at his left. “That’s Zach.”
“Hi.” Then he pointed to another one. “ And that’s Derek.”
“Hi” Derek said in a cheery voice. He is happy to meet some one pretty I thought dryly.
“Nice to meet both you,” I said politely. Zach brought up a beer from their ice chest and offered me one.
“Want to join us?” he said with a grin. I looked at him, then the beer.
“I think I will pass. I should be going,” I said with a smile.
“Oh, a good girl,” Derek said, shaking his head. “Of course, all the good ones are the hottest.” He muttered under his breath.
“Yes. It was a pleasure meeting you,” I said. I turned around and walked back. I heard Adam mutter “guys” and then footsteps coming up behind me. I walked into the house.
“Elizabeth, wait,” Adam, said as he came up behind. He rubbed the back of his neck that made me have a burning desire to do it for him. what the crap? i havehad known this guy for what ? ten minutes? And i already picture myself giving him a back rub i thought.Aaargh! You're doing it again, be very careful of these tenses.
“I’m sorry about them. Listen, at least let me give you a ride to your house since my friends were being jerks,” Adam Said.Bad idea I thought.
“No thanks, but thanks for the offer," I said with a smile.
“But...” he said. I walked away from him. I heard him turn around and walked back to his friends. I left the house and walked down the street. Behind me, I heard a bike start up. It drove up beside me and riding it was Adam.
"Come on. Please let me give you a ride," he said. I looked at him like he was stupid or something.
"I will be perfectly fine on my own," I snarled. I walked faster, but he kept pace with me.
"I said I will be fine on my own," i snapped, looking at him.
"Let me be the judge of that. Give me your address," he demanded. I hesitantly told him.
"Jesus, you live all the way out in the country! Get on. I am not about to let a beautiful lady walk alone. Especially in the city," he said as he held out a helmet. I stared at it, then at him.
"Is that your only one?" I asked, trying to find a way out. He lifted another one from the backpack on the bike. ShitI thought as I took the one he held out and put it on. I got on behind him. I felt the warm of his back radiate in to my chest. I almost moaned at the feeling, but held it in.
"Ready?" he inquired as he revved up.
"Ready," I groaned. We took off.
Okay; the tenses need work on. Serious work. But besides that this was good. You do need to revise parts, some bits make no sense at all but that's the beauty of writing, it's about having fun, not being great.
-Kirsten xxx
Sheepy.shoo:
I know. that's why i planned to go back and edited all of the chapter.
thanks for your review.
I still really like it, but perhaps you could work over it a bit more.
I also feel that all that repetition (I's) can really stress you after a while.
But that kind of thing can happen when you're typing (kick typing), it's really good, so no matter how annoying you find typing, keep it up!!!
* I know, you explain it later, but perhaps a little hint to keep the reader at it (:horrible happenings of that fateful day 55 years ago...)
I love it!!
-sheepy
Hola, Bri!
This was really good.
Your writing just keeps getting better and better
Okay, the bold parts should be capital “I” and “because of what happened”
I think that “approached” sounds better here but it’s up to you if you want to change it or not
Should be “made”
Should be “showed”
Two things here. One, there should be a comma after “girl” and the bolded word should be “formed”
Should be “backed”
You missed the comma after “hottest”. I should look like this: “…good ones are the hottest,” he muttered…”
All the bolded words need to be capitalized.
And that’s really it. All of it was mostly spelling stuff so no worries.
Just keep up the good work, Bri!
Readers, new and old,
I have edit and i sincerely hope that you like it better this way.
happy reading.
Unlike Andrew, I like how you threw the ipod thing in there. It shows that she is adapting to the modern times and shes trying to blend.
. I would use erotic instead of exotic...but thats just me.Why does she go back to that house if she's bringing back so many horribly memories? Make a note about her purpose for going back.
When at the gate, (with the rust pricking her finger) make a note that it doesnt hurt her...because vampires aren't bothered by such things.
Adam I think he is a little too clingy to Elizabeth. He trys way to hard to get her on the back of his bike. Make a note that maybe that has something to do with vampire's crazy beauty thing. Other than that, I like him. He seems like a nice guy....and totally falling for her fast.
Elizabeth I think she caved to easily. Maybe she should have made him follow her for a bit before caving in. Playing hard to get...but not really playing. She seems like a really tough bad-ass. and those are my favorite types.
On I go to read more
So I'm not the best at editing spelling and grammar, so I'm just going to tell you what I think about the ideas.
I like where this is going. It seems strange and that's what's keeping me reading.
I like how it seems like Elizabeth is trying her hardest to be a good girl, even though there are obvious temptations. Inner conflict makes the best stories.
The only thing I see wrong with this is that she has an ipod. It kind of ruined the mood for me. I pictured a girl walking through tall grass towards a dark house that looks empty, then I saw the word ipod and all those Apple commercials came to mind.
Maybe that's just part of my mandatory ADD because I'm a guy kicking in though.
Good job though.
Andrew.
Whoa there. That was...strangely good. I liked it and somehow it made me feel like I was actually there at the party and house.
When I read this I noticed you used "manor" in your first paragraph. I've haven't heard that word in forever. Sounds like something in the 18th hundreds. Which makes this story unique and different.
Now when she pricked her finger did she prick it for blood to come out or just a scratch? Now the grass must of been that tall for her finger to brush it and it's like someone hasn't mowed the lawn in years.
The whole past thing was amazing! Loved the blood-dripping knife effect.
I could tell by Elizabeth's name that she "could" be a vampire or maybe she is from the preface because her name sounds Victorian. Which I totally love that period and of course the Regency period also.
Well I couldn't think of anything else to say...hoped it helped.
-Merry
~off to read ch.2~
Hello again! I for sure like the first few paragraphs WAY better. Your sentences are so much smoother. Nice work!
But I did notice a few things...
Okay, I noticed that you do this a lot, where you have two sentences but they are both kind of choppy. Instead of two choppy sentences, try to combine them into one strong sentence. Like so: I sighed and turned up my ipod in my jacket pocket before putting my hand on the gate and pushing it open. See the difference?
No comma needed after "it"
Same "two choppy sentences" thing. But this time, you don't have to combine these. I just tried to make it smoother, like this: ...heard voices in the house. However, I removed my headphones anyway and stepped into the threshold.
Umm, you are missing a comma here. Try: I heard voices, and judging by the distance of them, people were in the back.
Awkward here. Try: I stopped at the back door, which was shattered, glass litering the floor, right before the light reached in.
"showed" instead of "show"
hehe
Again, the two sentence combining thing. Try: ...started to pull back his hand, but I stepped forward and took it, shaking it firmly. or something like that.
Combine. ...coming up behind me as I walked into the house.
Too many "thanks" Try: No, but thanks for the offer. or just reword it to your liking.
I'm not sure I like this sentence. Maybe use "insane" or "idiot" instead of "stupid or something". I don't know...whatever you want to do.
"the" instead of "ther"
"into" is one word.
Other than that, I found it really easy to follow and I just really enjoyed it!
Keep it up!
There. I have edited. I took some of the suggestion and I didn't. Please don't get offensive if i didn't use what you want me to. If you still find something wrong with it, let me know by pm me or leaving another comments. Maybe together we can smooth out the wrinkles of the story. I hope you enjoy the edited version.
NM
In general, this is much better than the prologue. It would benefit from some further development of Adam's friends and some distinction between the two but it's good. Work on your setting description a little and try to make your characters a little more unique and individual but this is progressing well. My main advice to you is where working on description is concerned: remember there's more to think of than just sight. Consider time and the progression of the day towards night during this sequence of events. Think about touch, the warmth of the engine when he revs it and his body against hers when she climbs on. Take your time over the little details. Don't do it to such an extent that the plot becomes tied down and the story becomes dull but add some interest and some atmosphere to the piece. Good work.
some of your sentences sounded a bit strange and i want to know why she would decline his ride and the hop on.
your story sounded cool can't wait till i read the other chapters.
i think you should think through some of your work before you post.
EVERY CRITIC CAN WRITE WHAT THEY WANT (NO OFFENCE)
___________________________________________________________________
Writing is a passion stick to it.
Having read your prologue I really enjoyed it & am off to read the next chapter. I've enclosed a document on what I think you could improve on. Hope it helps
Lucyy xxx
some sentences were a bit off and you forgot some of the words, but the human brain usually corects them. Sadly, in this world, every writer is a critic to help you because we all make mistakes, but sometimes too many. Next time try to watch your wording
Hello!
Several things wrong with this sentence I am sorry to say. Firstly, there is the comma, whereby you seperate any adjectives you have for a noun with commas. Otherwise you would be describing one adjective with another. Let's see what I mean:
The clear blue sky. This implies that the blue is clear.
The clear, blue sky. This means that the sky is both clear and blue.
Right, next: 'abandon' should be 'abandoned'.
And finally, there are just too many adjectives in this one opening sentence. It should be powerful, strong and intriguing all at once but right here all I am seeing is a bunch of descriptive words hiding a potentially good opening line. Are there any other ways to phrase this? Yes, yes there are. In fact, now would be a great time to strengthen your prose with imagery or other desirable tones. It can also add to the atmosphere and how you want it to be portrayed to the reader--remember, descriptive language does not mean descriptive words. For example to write about the gate: I stood outside the derelict manor, its gate towering above me like an iron sentinel. There, I have halved
the number of adjectives and we get more of an eerie atmosphere, eh? Sorry for the long rant on adjectives but I hope it helped. Moving on...
It had been [NO COMMA] at least a decade...
'got'.
It's 'iPod'.
This makes it sound as if you turn it up in your jacket pocket--a little awkward. Perhaps: "I sighed and turned up my iPod, resting in my jacket pocket."
The adjective spoils the sentence and there's room for better description. How about: "My finger brushed over the grass, swaying high in the breeze."
I kicked up some.
Should be "my iPod." Also I think the other sentence with the iPod in is a little useless now--the sentence tells us about it for us.
Tut tut, 'opened'.
The repetition here is too close for comfort, perhaps you should rephrase this part.
The 'then' is annoying and should it be 'smears'.
'happy'.
I did this... and that... and this too..." The repetition of the sentences can get very tiring, and boring to read. Combine some of these and rearrange the wording. Also, should 'feel' be 'felt'?
This is very awkward. 'this' should be 'that' and I also find that the 'because' really weakens the piece.
I don't like this. Why not: "From what I saw three young men stood outside, laughing with a can of beer in the hand'. Also, wouldn't she be a little more shocked--or even wouldn't she have gone straight to them after hearing noises, not scared as she walked in the living room.
"black hair".
Full stop!
This would be better as 'I backed into the darkness'.
Full stop!
These types of verbs can be very boring. Allow me to explain. You can use two main types of words really, colourful and bland. Here are the colourful ones I can think of:
- To say
- To be
- To have
- To go
And whatever. See, these are fine in small amounts but sometimes the pacing demands more. A lot of the time they require a descriptive word to 'floralise' them. You put 'said in a cheery voice' when you could just say 'exclaimed'. On accounts should you ever think you must always use them, but they can help bring out the pacing and the flavour to the story.
Another tense change - 'pulled'. Be careful with these but after a proof-read you should be fine.
Few things. New speaker=new line, yes? Remove the space by the speech mark too. And the 'Then'.
Better as: hottest," he muttered...
**********
Alright, that's all I could see to start with--a lot should be addressed. Feel free to PM me if you want to discuss or ramble about anything. I enjoyed this piece, and I can see potential but a lot of room for improvement too. I hope I have been some sort of help. Not a bad start!
Focus on the senses--forget about sight. For practice, start writing about a blind man. Focus on sound, smell, taste, feel.
I like this ending a WHOLE lot better. It was more natural, than forced as before.
Nice job!
I know I am kind of doing another reivew, but I can't resist. Sorry
First off, I like your story better in the past tense rather than the present. I read it doing both and I found it more enjoyable that way. So yeah...
Back to this quote, you should say The ruse on the grate pricked my finger...
Past tense
Without meaning to, I kicked up dirt...
...and opened it wider.
I felt texture under my hand.
I made my way to the back of the house.
...was golden-haired, light eyes...
Umm...I think I know what you meant here but you just added a word or something. Try: "I am perfectly able to get home on my own" or I will be fine on my own" or something like that because that above doesn't make sense.
...live all the way out in the country. Get on,"
...inquired as he revved up.
Other than that, I really REALLY like the new ending.
Can't wait for more!
Quick question: How much of this matters to the plot, character development or theme? You could say all of it, but some of the description seems unecissary. *has been writing short stories and is all about cutting back * >.<
One thing: if there are people in the house, and everything is covered in dust, then shouldn't she be able to see where they walked? How does she feel about these people being in the house? why doesn't she go looking for them right away?
*reads another few lines* =P Okay, nvm some of those questions. XD
Mwaha. I will stop bugging you after this last time: present tense! You slip into it in places. I would recommend you go over this and make sure it's all the same tense. ^_^ Also, you are missing a few periods (2-ish).
New dialogue should be treated like a new paragraph. Those "Hi"s should be on new lines.
^_^
I liked it. I'm not sure where it's going, but I liked it.
Plot: obviously a romance. Duh. =P
Characters: The friends amused me. Adam comes across as the gentleman (I am Adam <No abreviation? =P), which is fine. Your MC, though, I find to be a bit enigmatic. I assume her to be a vampire, yet she doesn't seem all that confident. Though that's fine, since it just makes her more interesting. =P Plus, I shouldn't assume she's a vamp. XD
I though this was cool. I like that it's not too long, though for a 'chapter' it's a bit short (from a 'if you were going to publish this' point of view).
Nice stuff.
^_^ Keek!
This was great! You did really well with all the ideas with her meeting the boys. When I first read it when you PM-ed me, I thought that these boys were vampires, but now I see that they are human, and I like it!
Great job!
I did notice a few things:
At a time like this, it would be perfect for you to go into detail about these so-called “memories”. You don’t have to give it all away, but just letting a few sink through and she thinks about them would be good. It would give us readers a feel of what her personality is like and such.
Awkward wording…try: ”Nice to meet both of you,” or ”Nice meeting you both,” Whichever you prefer
I think you might be missing a word here. Try: ”You have one too, right?” I think that’s what you meant to say, but it came out kind of weird.
Those were the only individual things I caught. But another thing that grabbed my attention was the part when he invited her on a ride. It seemed kind of sudden. Make that introduction with the guys and him a little slower. Expand it. Drag it out. I would love to know more about them!
Other than that, this was good! On to chapter two!
This was pretty good. A few shaky sentences here and there. I'm wondering what will happen next. Overall, it was more of a plot build chapter, which is what the first chapter should be. It wasn't very exciting, but it's starting to set up for an exciting part ahead. I'm excited! ^^
I really like this chapter, the only things i would like you to add are why she is there, why she shows herself and why she accepts his ride. Also I really enjoyed your use of sensatory description in your prologue and you didn't use as much here, but overall it was good, it could be better tho, but then again everything can always be better, nothing is perfect.
Here are the mistakes I caught.
So I also want to add that you go back and forth a lot from present to past tense, it makes it a bit confusing to read, so you should probably pick one of the two tenses and go through and change it, I would have done it but i don't know if you want present or past tense.
It was very interesting though and i would like to keep reading.